Whiskers

Aw Shizam!

2011-06-27T18:38:00.000-07:00

Alikazammerz man has Whiskerzzzzz been a firecracker! Aw shicksters, buddies, Whiskerz is goin for broke!!!! Whiskerzzz makes scratchy marks with 'is clawz guyz!! Seriously. No, seriously, Whiskerz'll mean business again sumday.

Charles Dickens

2011-01-23T10:23:00.001-08:00

Please, sir, may I have summore? Summore fucking mccheeriness, chrissake, Dickenz!!! Am I right? You're like a bleak mouse, Chucklesfacer, all leary-eyed & haggard & glum & melancholy!! I mean, holy mcgeminies, Dickster, lighten the fuck up already! Social mcrealizm isn't like the tots mcgoats World's Biggest Albatross, so unfetter your mcstovepipes, buddy!?! OMFG!!! "Oh no, poor people, 'n' like mean people, 'n' like the haunting mcspecter of the industrial revolution in its inchoate blistering cries," yeah mcyeahz already, we get it, mcturtleface! & for chrissake shave that thing off your chinny-chin-chin already. It's like you dipped your lachrymose horse-face in mucilage & then dipped it in a legubrious mcbucket of David Copperfield's pubic trimmings, you know? Take it easy, Dickens!! OMG, mcwhiskers sez go for a tan or sumthing, geez mclouise! Have a Fanta!!! Chrissake, Dickens!
Aw, heck, you old rascal, mcwhiskerzzz is just funnin' ya, you old shitface!

New Year's

2011-01-11T10:51:00.000-08:00

Aw mcshits guyzzz, I just came to after a fuckin mccrazy new year's bender! Aw shuckles, man, mcwhiskerzzzz was out like a torpedo shit from delouise's ass, am I right? Anywayzzz, snugglez & shit guys. I can't move my eyelidzzz yet, but when I do, aw man, you know what that means? Whiskerzzz time!!!! Aw fucklestick.

Alan Thicke

2010-10-31T14:46:00.000-07:00

Hey Alan McThickertons, the phone's ringing, & I'm pretty sure it's Vidal fucking Sassoon congratulating you on your premium spike! Mcfucking efficacious, that thing!!! Holy jespers, did you use the epoch-style mousse, old Thickers, that your coif might stand erect unruffled for decades on end?!? It's like a vain millenarianist's wet dream!! Aw crap, Alsworth, I'm just funnin' around, Al mcAlsalot. But seriously, pal-o, you old Seeger-sox, why the mcwistfulness already? Is it 'cause your memories are of a phony television family & you find the emotional entanglements born of conjured simulacrum ultimately disheartening? The mcemptiness of artifice & the like? Or Whiskerz bets maybe instead it's on account of you mcsharted & are deep in reactionary contemplation!! Aw hell, that's the ticket, isn't it, doctor mctouchescloth? Oh man! Jeepers, though, Thicke, mcbuddyface, swiftly go the years, eh? Whiskerz was late a little meowzer-face, & look at you & your tumble tumble lip, all time-ravaged & sore. Jispers, Thicke, the leaves they fall so soon.

Dom Deluise

2010-10-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

Holy mcrollers, Deluise, you look like Spinoza's seraphim other! Like a cantankerous old mccackles-a-lot! I mean, geez mcDeluise, are your real teeth biting in a fake pair of rotted teeth or what? Dommers! You old cooter! Your hat's like a mcpizza dough all nilly-willy on your bald spot, like some mcboobers dropped from on high!!! Aw, mister chuckles, come on, already, dentistry called & wanted to tell you it moved along into the next fucking millenium & to stop dragging your mcgiant ass!! That mouth is like the dark, puckered chasm of a dog's asshole, geez almighty, Deluise! Close that thing & let's get fuckin' serious for a little while, man. Mcfuckles, Dom, you always look like you just mcfarted for attention's sake! Aw hell, Dommertons, I'm just mcfunnin' you, you old gasbag. Fart if you really need to, Whiskerz could give two shitz.

Tennyson

2010-10-08T13:10:00.001-07:00

OMFNG, Lord Alfred, Rocinante called asking for your swift return!! Am I right? I mean, jeepers, mister mcshabbybeards, there's a fuckin' windmill out there somewhere to fight!! Holy mcjohanson, Tennyson, you look like an exhausted cousin of Cortez all soured out on queludes. You're like a dour mcpuddles face who dipped his chin in mucilage & then double-dipped it in a Whitman's leftover shavings!!! Time's not linear anyways, geez louis! ROTFL, mcjiminies, who cuts your hair, Charles McManson? Is it weird to be such a mcsternface hidalgo even when you're a fucking English fopperz? What does fatty Matty Arnold think about your cape & mcshoulder guard? Oh, jeeperz, I'm only teasing, old mcTennies, go back to your mcmurmuring bees already!

Garfield

2010-09-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate you, Garfield, you smug, fat prick. I hope Odie fucking eats you some day. & you know what? lasagna's overrated, & what does it matter to a degenerate, jobless, no-good sack of shit that it's Monday? Your days are strung each to each in an endless addition of indolence, obesity & self-righteous tomfoolery anyway. Mcchrist already, Garfield, go off & drown in a puddle.

Bowie

2010-09-25T09:45:00.001-07:00

Aw bejesus, David Bowie, you've got a mclightning strike across yr face!! Holy mcjiminies, David Bowie, it's like yr Zeus's bestest buddy, aw man! You look like Ben Franklin's cat-child, OMFG, or like, like, like an emaciated teletubby cosmonaut! ROTFL, David Bowie! You're like Ken Kesey's pet sphinx, mister mcstardusters!!! One time I ate a bunch of mctacos in a row with some mezcal, & holy mclivingston, I had a nightmare that looked like you, David Bowie! But mcshucks, buddy, if you don't write a mean one, you fragile little future thing.

Beethoven

2010-09-04T15:55:00.001-07:00

Holy mcwillikers, Beethoven, what a fucking sourpuss! Aw geez, I can't hear 'n' stuff, OMG, what's a Bee Arthur lookalike to do!?! Miracle ear called, mcwowzers, & said they have a discount for stern-faced Doctors of Lugubriosity! I mean, come on, mcjispers, undarken your brow already you foppy doucher! Ha! Aw man, Beethoven, we have good times, don't we? I'm just joshin' you, you pixie-stick snorting mcpringles face!

Gorbachev

2010-08-23T10:22:00.001-07:00

Aw jeez, Gorbs, you look hap hap happy, OMG! You're like if they took Wilford Brimley & fed him vodka oatmeal & methamphetamine Werther's originals until he took off his suspenders & partied, holy bewillikerzzz! Aw, man, Gorbs, you're like Ed McMahon's happy ghost! Hey Gorbsies, breakfast is served!!! Woah man, Gorbs, you hilarious mcchuckler! Giggles mcjiminy, let's shoot some dope!!!

Cousin Balki

2010-08-14T14:36:00.001-07:00

It's okay, Cousin Balki, we all grow old.

Larry Bird

2010-07-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

It's okay, Larry Bird. Here, have a club sandwich.

Spinoza

2010-07-25T11:07:00.001-07:00

Aw man, Spinoza, you look like Meatloaf's trans-historical cherubic doppleganger, geez louise! I mean, willikerzzz, if you USED one of your lenses you'd see that you're like Dom Delouise's gentle cousin! Aw man! Canonball fucking mcrun, am I right!?! ROTFLMAO!!! Hey, Nick the bartender, ring the cash register! Mcjeeperz!

American Skateboarder

2010-07-23T09:58:00.001-07:00

Ah jeepers, if Whiskers can't ride a skateboard & sing the anthem fucking simultaneously! Aw, man, mcwillikers, what a warm warm mcfuzzy!

Nietzsche

2010-07-18T15:44:00.000-07:00

Holy jeepers look at this asshole's dickbroom! "Truth is nothing but a..." oh put a cork in it Sam Elliott! TTYL, mustache! This doucher puts the rat back in Zarathustra, am I right? Jeepers mccreepers!

Plato

2010-07-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

OMG, Plato is totally dweebing out about caves or something! Hey Plato, Whiskers has heard the rumbling wind in his ass-cave! Ha! Plato is such a dick!

Darwin

2010-07-18T15:32:00.001-07:00

Whiskers here! Here's a fuzzy warm warm where I show Darwin what evolution is REALLY all about! ROTFL!